strong warrior... little girl

sometimes, I can be so strong. I will fight for people, for relationships, for the things that i believe in.

but then, at the same time, i feel like the little girl. lost, bewildered, unsure of what to do of where to go. waiting, hoping for a rescue. for someone to step in for me. someone to step in to shield me, to heal me.

this year has been so hard. there have been so many fights. not fights with people, just fighting to make it through. to keep serving. to keep being a student. this year, i have had to fight to remain, not just to maintain. always knowing that people are watching. that people notice. striving to be happy, when i still feel broken.

i feel like i give and give with no basis. i have created this image. this side of me that is always available for friends. and it is a very true part of me. i will drop everything and anything for a friend in need. i love that part of me. i do. but that doesn't make me perfect, and it does not make me whole.

as of this moment, i am missing it. i am not whole. and i know why.

it is because i am not relying on Jesus. i have once again walked away. thinking that i can do things on my own terms, with my own strength. i am in control. i always think that it will be easier this way. that it is easier to handle issues by myself than to give them over.

one of my pastors has been blogging about prayer recently and it is so refreshing to hear what he has to say. to read what he is willing to admit. and to know that we share many commonalities. to know that i am not the only one who struggles with that conversation.

i wish that i was one of those people that prayed, and prayed, and never quit. i wish. but again and again, i find myself not giving time to be still or even time to tell Jesus what is really going on. i know that i need to... not because i am a Christian... just because i need that relationship. i know that i need him. i need him for the everyday things that come up. i need him.

the hardest thing is admitting that. admitting that i am not self-sufficient. my success is not my own. it is because he is backing me.

so maybe this is blah blah blah to you, reader. vagabond is lost again on this journey. but for me, it is learning that i must step out of this circle into a conversation.