350 challenge

ok, so i added the badge. because i have become something like a tree-hugger.

coffee at ww is officially green now... and a friend posted the 350 challenge on his blog, so here we go again. i know this is small. but the small things add up. the less gas, the less unnecessary waste, the less carelessness, the better off we all are.

i think that it comes down to the idea that taking care of the earth makes us all better. it's just healthy to be a wise steward.

so take the challenge... be green!

day off

i'm taking today off.

by that i mean that i slept in, went to the memorial day parade, and now i am just doing whatever crafty things i feel like. this si so nice. i can't remember the last time that i just chilled.

no worry allowed.

invigorate my soul

let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
and let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
put your hand out and steady me
since i've chosen to live by your counsel.
i'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
i love it when you show yourself!
invigorate my soul so i can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
and should i wander off like a lost sheep--seek me!
i'll recognize the sound of your voice.
psalm 119: 169-176

oh martha

does anyone else think it is ironic that martha from the bible is reborn in martha stewart?

so we all know the story of mary and martha... mary is listening to Jesus, while martha is running around, making sure that everything is happening the right way at the right time, etc. martha gets upset with mary, and Jesus points out that mary has her priorities straight.

right now, i am martha. i am doing, doing, doing. knowing that i need to take time to refresh, but not. i need to recharge. i need to stop driving so hard that i miss everything.

i realized last night that i am not finding joy in living. i just push from moment to moment, relieved that each one passes. i don't have fun.

who am i? why have i become this machine? where is my heart?

can i love life again? really love it? can i learn to laugh again? to be light?

how is it at the ripe-old-age of 20 that i cannot name the last time that i really had fun?

strong warrior... little girl

sometimes, I can be so strong. I will fight for people, for relationships, for the things that i believe in.

but then, at the same time, i feel like the little girl. lost, bewildered, unsure of what to do of where to go. waiting, hoping for a rescue. for someone to step in for me. someone to step in to shield me, to heal me.

this year has been so hard. there have been so many fights. not fights with people, just fighting to make it through. to keep serving. to keep being a student. this year, i have had to fight to remain, not just to maintain. always knowing that people are watching. that people notice. striving to be happy, when i still feel broken.

i feel like i give and give with no basis. i have created this image. this side of me that is always available for friends. and it is a very true part of me. i will drop everything and anything for a friend in need. i love that part of me. i do. but that doesn't make me perfect, and it does not make me whole.

as of this moment, i am missing it. i am not whole. and i know why.

it is because i am not relying on Jesus. i have once again walked away. thinking that i can do things on my own terms, with my own strength. i am in control. i always think that it will be easier this way. that it is easier to handle issues by myself than to give them over.

one of my pastors has been blogging about prayer recently and it is so refreshing to hear what he has to say. to read what he is willing to admit. and to know that we share many commonalities. to know that i am not the only one who struggles with that conversation.

i wish that i was one of those people that prayed, and prayed, and never quit. i wish. but again and again, i find myself not giving time to be still or even time to tell Jesus what is really going on. i know that i need to... not because i am a Christian... just because i need that relationship. i know that i need him. i need him for the everyday things that come up. i need him.

the hardest thing is admitting that. admitting that i am not self-sufficient. my success is not my own. it is because he is backing me.

so maybe this is blah blah blah to you, reader. vagabond is lost again on this journey. but for me, it is learning that i must step out of this circle into a conversation.

caged

It is May, and my mind has room to think again. Time to look back at this year and see who I was. But the more that I examine the year, the more I see how constricted I became. Rules, rules and more rules. I do not want that to be who I am. Yet, it is the black hole that I am most familiar with. I think I spent the whole year being the RA that I was supposed to be, which means that I spent the whole year not being my true self. I cannot say that I was not myself at all... I was. It just wasn't the whole me. It was the "by the book" me. It was the me that I so often wish to escape.

I want my soul to breathe.

But, I cannot force it. That would not solve anything. This whole year has been forced. I am so fatigued... being an RA is tough. Conforming to the idea of a great RA is more tough. And now, after a year of caging myself in the perception of greatness, I must break free.

if you don't

after listening to shane & shane talk about meshach, shadrach & abednego, i continued to be haunted by my response to a lack of deliverance. what would i do if God really did not show up? I struggle to admit that I would probably not have the same attitude of Rach, Shach & Benny.

so i walk away praying, "God, I want to love you like that."

pfff.

life is more than a little crazy right now. i would love to just be with friends and not do all of my projects... but it's that time. time for knots in my shoulders, headaches, terrible eating habits, and plenty of diet coke. time to put all that knowledge into practice, to put all the thoughts in my head onto paper. I hate this time of the semester... but at the same time, i love the adrenaline. I mean each week has gotten a little bit more difficult, and it is about to peak. By Friday, almost all deadlines will be met and the downhill race will begin. Needless to say, I am particularly excited to see May 18!