dragging my feet

this past weekend, i attended a conference on women in leadership... and one thought stuck out in particular: "never handle a paper more than once." i know that sounds so simple, but in the past few days, i have spent a lot of time watching how many times i deal with the same thing. for example, i have gotten ready to write a particular set of papers several times, and then i get distracted. and as i sit typing this thought out, i am procrastinating even further. talk about hypocrisy.

in short, i would like to finish what i start when i start it.

yawn

i'm yawning... it's one of those days when being awake is just a struggle. i need to get more sleep. and i need to be done with this semester... three more weeks and i can catch up on that sleep, read the books on my shelf, and finish all the projects on my list...

malaria

malaria.


a preventable disease that has killed more people than i could count. its World Malaria Day and my facebook picture is black to represent what losing that many people to malaria would be like.

it will never cease to amaze me that most of the problems in the world share one commonality: they were preventable. oh yeah, and the fact that we have not stopped them. what is it about us as human that we can see something that is inherently wrong, but either forget about it or simply go back to living our lives. i say this because i am selfish too. i am a college student in the midwest. there are so many things that i could/should be doing, yet for the time being, the best i can do is to offer up a prayer: that the right person with the right resources will step in at the right time.

but still, where is my nobility? where is the drive that transforms passion into compassion?

in all of this, i guess my point is that i don't want to spend my life living for me. it just isn't acceptable.

down the road

"free and easy down the road i go" sings dierk bentley in my head. wait, no. he is not in my head. his song is stuck in my head. regardless... that sounds like such a nice idea. i miss driving till i feel that liberty. unfortunately, the gas that it takes to make those trips costs $3.69 a gallon... thus making the price of freedom too high. alright. time to stop complaining and start looking for new liberty.

something to say

"in essential beliefs unity
in non essential beliefs liberty
in all our beliefs charity"

i stole this from sevenoseven... but it is so great. it handles so much of the tension that i dwell in here at school. i go to the "controversial" church. the one that gets put down. the one that people question. and thats good. we should all question why we like what we like. but at this stage of the game, we're talking preferences. you say that the set is a distraction... i say art makes me want to worship. ok, are we better for this conversation? is your mind changed? is mine?

i guess what my point in all of this writing is that i wish that I practiced the above theology on a more day to day level. i often think that i don't want to reduce my blogs to "stop the hate," but so many times, it just seems so freaking applicable.

runnin' ragged

sometimes it feels like i am just running on the caffeine that i had earlier today. like nothing will ever be complete. . . and i will never have spent my time as wisely as i could have.

today was not a bad day. i spent over an hour talking to my mom, which was great. there is always so much to talk about. . . to think about. she always encourages me to max my potential. . . even if it means that her comfort zone will be affected. she understands independence better than anyone i know.

my major is also officially changed! woot woot! graduating next spring with my bachelor's in psychology! talk about craziness. my undergraduate experience is going to be over in 13 months. it's so strange to think about the fact that i am finally in the place that i've always dreamed of being. as a little kid, i always thought that my early twenties were going to be the epitome of cool. and even though i will always hope that the best is yet to come, these are pretty sweet times.

speaking of a lack of time. . . in a month, my girls are leaving for the summer. the residents that i have loved and served are heading out to live their lives. i could never express my gratefulness for the way that they have welcomed me into their community. these are women that are so gifted in so many different directions. . . yet the connection they share is awesome. i cannot even tell you how much i will miss living with them next year.

in a month, i will be someone else's ra. for just a few short weeks, i will get to live with some girls in a village. they'll be in class... i'll be enjoying the time where my whole purpose is to be relational... and you know, the nuts and bolts stuff too... but really, what a sweet summer gig.

and right now... and by that i mean in ten minutes... it will be time for the first all staff meeting for the ra's of the 08-09 school year. and so begins the cycle... all over again. can't believe that we're here again!

good-bye friend.

it is so simple, but we all fall into the trap. we hang onto things, people, and ideas... even when we know that the best thing to do would be to let them go.

so here i am at the end of my junior year of college, thinking that there is so much to let go of. and that would be the reason that i have almost exploded several times lately in the face of people who are clinging to dear life to various dreams, relationships, etc.

my people-Lego is changing. again. those who have shared in my life this far are a collage of the wonderful, the hurtful, the successful, the beautiful, the loving, the using, and the list goes on and on. so i take this time to say thank you, and good-bye at the same time.

to one in particular, (though you may never read this, it should be said) i have had to say good-bye to you this week. you have often been a security blanket: one who is stable in difficult times. you have been encouragement, challenge, and a smile. you have had the power to hurt or to heal. you have been one to be bragged about. you just have. but now is the time for me to let go. to say that i can no longer be selfish: the person who is getting you is lucky. and i respect her, so i will say: you have been. i release you to be that for someone else. thank you, and good-bye my friend.

the fight

it is like constant noise. it is not like screaming. it is like a constant rushing of loud static. it is like the point where you cover your ears and wait for it to end. it stops you from normal thought and distracts your attention. things are said and done that are not logical. things in the name of nobility, integrity, etc. but really, said in the name of needing an excuse. a way out of answering for behavior that is obviously out of character... outside of the norm.

this is not guilt. this is fear. fear of what true consequences could come. fear of thoughts being heard. fear that something that starts like a spark will become the raging fire. this is the fear that comes when words and actions wobble on the top of the rail. this is not a tangible issue.
this is the struggle for courage over cowardice. this is the fight to save face. this is the fight to become the ideal, instead of remaining the same.

this is the time to fight. through the noise. through the thoughts. through this battle.

start somewhere

i am overwhelmed by the brokenness that i see. there are so many injustices to be fought. where can i even begin? it is not as if i live in most of this injustice. yet i can see those who are.

i have so many wishes. i wish that the children of atlanta were going to all have places to live later this year. i wish that those children could all have educations. i wish they could escape the HIV. i wish that someone could step in and give them hope, tell them they have potential.

my wishes are idealistic. i know this. but something has to change and it has to start somewhere. so let it start with me.