compromise

for those of you who know me, i can only imagine your reactions to the title of this post. some of you are probably curious based on the events of the past couple of weeks, while others of you are probably saying, "thank God," with sincerity. Whatever your reaction, please enjoy what you are about read... and feel free to hold me to it.

I am sick of compromising. I am sick of convincing myself to settle; I settle with God, friends, family, dreams, work, academics, etc. I expect too much in some areas, and way too little in others. For example, I never expect or ask God to be God; instead I wait until the storm has passed to ask Him to step in. As far as friends go, I'm sorry for not seeing your potential and not encouraging you to pursue it. The list goes on, but thats not the point.

The deal is that I don't want to trap others in the boxes that I see them in. I don't want to give God a box either. And really, in all of this, I am sick of trying to force myself to fit into molds that do not fit me...

it's fair

whatever He decides is fair. whatever He decides is a blessing, even if it is in disguise. whatever He decides is far more than i deserve. whether in life or in death, it is more than i could legitimately ask for.

whatever He decides is fair.

motivation

something struck me during a conversation tonight. what is my motivation? i mean, it would be really easy to say something like "Jesus," but in reality... why am i doing what i am?


and just in case you wanted to know, i think that is a really difficult question. kind of like the harshness of fluorescent lights compared to candles. you see a million more details, but it kills the imagined idea of what might be hiding in the shadows. i want to think that "good" hides in those unexamined shadows, but tonight was one of those times that i had to admit that i know better than to believe my own lies.

it is really late right now, i know that. but my mind continues to race with the idea of how my life would look different if i evaluated my motives more often...

faithful God like faithful sunrise

When I am just trying to keep it going.
When I am giving up.
When all I want is clarity.


"faithful God like faithful sunrise"

He is there, being consistent. He is centered and true, when I am still trying to wrap my head around everything. He is calm when I forget how to relax.

Tonight, He is listening to my heart race. Tonight, He is listening to my rantings and ravings. Tonight, He is telling me that my friends' hearts are still in His hand. Tonight, He is asking if I trust Him like I trust the sun to show up.

"faithful God like faithful sunrise"

problem girl

i was listening to pandora (which is amazing if you've never tried it) tonight, and rob thomas started singing "problem girl." since its not the "top 40" type, i'll include lyrics:

...

Don't let 'em get where they're going to
You know they're only what they think of you
You heard of this emotional trickery
And you felt like you were learning the ropes
But where you're going now you don't now

And when the kids on the street say
What's your problem girl
And the weight of their smile's just
Too much for you to bear
When they all make you feel
Like you're a problem girl
Remember
You're no problem at all
You're no problem at all

Pride like promises can let you down
You thought that you'd be feeling
Better by now
You worry all the things they could do to you
You worry about the things they could say
Maybe you're seeing things the wrong way

Try
If you stand or you fall
You're no problem at all

...

something about the song just got me. probably since i tend to think that i am the issue. i just think it is reassuring to hear a guy say that the girl is not the problem. thus begins the wishes though. i mean there is always the hope that someday we will all learn to communicate well with each other. thus eliminating anyone from being the problem. but here i am wishing... or as john mayer would say, "waiting on the world to change."

mocking God

It's like the title says. I have been mocking God over and over for so long. I always tell myself that it is not like that, but let's be honest.

Way one: beauty
I already talked about the ways that I devalue Him based upon the lies that I perpetuate about beauty.

Way two: control
It's not the time or place to delve into the details. But this is the deal, I say, on a fairly consistent basis that I know better than God. Or I think that I can handle a situation on my own.

Basically, I am wrong. And I owe God a huge apology.

beauty

beauty is so much more than what we give it credit for. i was just struck by this thought while sitting at westwinds this morning. every time i look in the mirror, or look at someone else and think that what i see is anything less than beautiful, i am devaluing God. if we are all made in his image, then we are all beautiful. but how many times a day do i deny that? how many times do i critique my own looks, and walk away feeling worse? how many times have i told God that he is not the judge of beauty? that he has not created something well?

just a thought... but you never know, this paradigm shift could be the beginning of a big change.

impressed

some people just blow me away. my vision is so limited; it is so easy to keep my friends in boxes. and yet, they come up with ideas that consistently prove that there is no room for cardboard in their lives.

i.e. tonight, a bunch of friends dressed up and went roller skating. what they all said to me in various conversations later: "it is such a ministry opportunity." what?! they all went to have fun, and in the midst of that, they spent all this time around a ton of middle-school age kids that just need some love. so now what are my friends talking about? thats right, about learning to skate better so they can hang out with these kids. talk about creative ministry.

straight-up conviction

do you ever get the feeling that God is speaking to you, and the person that He is using has no clue?

that was tonight for me. for the past week, i decided that i would only listen to God when i felt like it. and i bet you can guess how well that went. so finally, i needed some straight up conviction, and God dished it out through a conversation that was not really related.

my priorities were just not in line. i wanted what i wanted when i wanted it. what crap.

and it's one more place of brokenness that i was not aware of previously. though its great to be growing, sometimes its just embarrassing to come face to face with whats really in my heart.

technology

frustration sets in.

i tell you that i am sick of technology as i sit typing on my laptop.

it seems that everything i own that involves a computer on the inside is dying. camera, ipod, etc. you name it, its killing itself. which is great by the way, for a college student that really cannot afford to replace the items. yes.

so in the meantime, i am working on money making schemes. woot. woot.

overthinking

so today in class, we were discussing the strengths perspective... which lead to talking about our weaknesses being our strengths taken to the extreme. Cool, right?

For example, I am such an overthinker. i cannot leave any facet of an issue undiscovered. While this is a weakness in the fact that I spend too much time deliberating over all possibilities, it is a strength in the fact that I care about the situation and that I am not rash.

for someone like me, who tends to be overly harsh when dealing with myself, this is such a refreshing idea. its also pretty sweet to apply in the people that frustrate you...

not to mention, its a pretty positive outlook...

too much time

i spend too much time thinking and not enough time living. I spend too much time "praying about it" and too little time taking action. I wait and wait for God to make a clear yes, instead of going till He gives a "no."

so how do you shift your paradigm to this going perspective? how do you just start making things happen? how do you get over the waiting thing?

the one thing that going changes is that it definitely makes my prayers more effective. i can focus on the important things, rather than the wishy-washy, "what should I do?" instead of praying that circumstances work out, i can focus on praying for the people around me.

if my focus shifts to action, my center shifts away from self.

so here it is: it is time for me to stop worrying about what happens, and just let it be. it is time for me to start focusing on the world outside. its time to pray like i mean it; its time to stop wasting the opportunity that i have to talk to the creator of the universe. life is about so much more than my situations and struggles. life is just more than all of the situations that compromise what i could be.