oh martha

does anyone else think it is ironic that martha from the bible is reborn in martha stewart?

so we all know the story of mary and martha... mary is listening to Jesus, while martha is running around, making sure that everything is happening the right way at the right time, etc. martha gets upset with mary, and Jesus points out that mary has her priorities straight.

right now, i am martha. i am doing, doing, doing. knowing that i need to take time to refresh, but not. i need to recharge. i need to stop driving so hard that i miss everything.

i realized last night that i am not finding joy in living. i just push from moment to moment, relieved that each one passes. i don't have fun.

who am i? why have i become this machine? where is my heart?

can i love life again? really love it? can i learn to laugh again? to be light?

how is it at the ripe-old-age of 20 that i cannot name the last time that i really had fun?

strong warrior... little girl

sometimes, I can be so strong. I will fight for people, for relationships, for the things that i believe in.

but then, at the same time, i feel like the little girl. lost, bewildered, unsure of what to do of where to go. waiting, hoping for a rescue. for someone to step in for me. someone to step in to shield me, to heal me.

this year has been so hard. there have been so many fights. not fights with people, just fighting to make it through. to keep serving. to keep being a student. this year, i have had to fight to remain, not just to maintain. always knowing that people are watching. that people notice. striving to be happy, when i still feel broken.

i feel like i give and give with no basis. i have created this image. this side of me that is always available for friends. and it is a very true part of me. i will drop everything and anything for a friend in need. i love that part of me. i do. but that doesn't make me perfect, and it does not make me whole.

as of this moment, i am missing it. i am not whole. and i know why.

it is because i am not relying on Jesus. i have once again walked away. thinking that i can do things on my own terms, with my own strength. i am in control. i always think that it will be easier this way. that it is easier to handle issues by myself than to give them over.

one of my pastors has been blogging about prayer recently and it is so refreshing to hear what he has to say. to read what he is willing to admit. and to know that we share many commonalities. to know that i am not the only one who struggles with that conversation.

i wish that i was one of those people that prayed, and prayed, and never quit. i wish. but again and again, i find myself not giving time to be still or even time to tell Jesus what is really going on. i know that i need to... not because i am a Christian... just because i need that relationship. i know that i need him. i need him for the everyday things that come up. i need him.

the hardest thing is admitting that. admitting that i am not self-sufficient. my success is not my own. it is because he is backing me.

so maybe this is blah blah blah to you, reader. vagabond is lost again on this journey. but for me, it is learning that i must step out of this circle into a conversation.

caged

It is May, and my mind has room to think again. Time to look back at this year and see who I was. But the more that I examine the year, the more I see how constricted I became. Rules, rules and more rules. I do not want that to be who I am. Yet, it is the black hole that I am most familiar with. I think I spent the whole year being the RA that I was supposed to be, which means that I spent the whole year not being my true self. I cannot say that I was not myself at all... I was. It just wasn't the whole me. It was the "by the book" me. It was the me that I so often wish to escape.

I want my soul to breathe.

But, I cannot force it. That would not solve anything. This whole year has been forced. I am so fatigued... being an RA is tough. Conforming to the idea of a great RA is more tough. And now, after a year of caging myself in the perception of greatness, I must break free.

if you don't

after listening to shane & shane talk about meshach, shadrach & abednego, i continued to be haunted by my response to a lack of deliverance. what would i do if God really did not show up? I struggle to admit that I would probably not have the same attitude of Rach, Shach & Benny.

so i walk away praying, "God, I want to love you like that."

pfff.

life is more than a little crazy right now. i would love to just be with friends and not do all of my projects... but it's that time. time for knots in my shoulders, headaches, terrible eating habits, and plenty of diet coke. time to put all that knowledge into practice, to put all the thoughts in my head onto paper. I hate this time of the semester... but at the same time, i love the adrenaline. I mean each week has gotten a little bit more difficult, and it is about to peak. By Friday, almost all deadlines will be met and the downhill race will begin. Needless to say, I am particularly excited to see May 18!

dragging my feet

this past weekend, i attended a conference on women in leadership... and one thought stuck out in particular: "never handle a paper more than once." i know that sounds so simple, but in the past few days, i have spent a lot of time watching how many times i deal with the same thing. for example, i have gotten ready to write a particular set of papers several times, and then i get distracted. and as i sit typing this thought out, i am procrastinating even further. talk about hypocrisy.

in short, i would like to finish what i start when i start it.

yawn

i'm yawning... it's one of those days when being awake is just a struggle. i need to get more sleep. and i need to be done with this semester... three more weeks and i can catch up on that sleep, read the books on my shelf, and finish all the projects on my list...